12/22/2005

How to Take a Dump in the Woods

photo: this is the wrong technique


1) Find a huge rock or tree without sticky sap on it that can support your weight. Stay at least 100 feet or more from water sources.
2) Dig a hole about a foot deep near the base of the tree or boulder.
3) Find a stick bigger than a pencil and place it near your dump zone. This will come in handy if you have accuracy problems.
4) Drop your drawers.
5) Place your roll of TP in the crotch of your now open pants, between your undies and pants.
6) Face the tree, grab it, and use it to balance and support your weight while you squat. If you are coordinated and have the right spot, you can also lean back against the tree to help maintain a confident seated position.
7) Grunt. Think about baseball.
8) Wiping: don’t try to wipe while squatting or holding the tree. This can have disastrous results. Step aside, arch thy back and reach around to wipe. Try to minimize TP with careful pre- and post-wipe folding.
9) Tuck the soiled TP into the dump hole, being careful to keep those fingers out of the bung.
10) If you had an accuracy problem, use the stick to corral the turds into the hole, on top of the TP.
11) Cover the turds in the hole with your dirt.
12) Place a rock or log over your well-covered danger zone. It goes without saying that if another hiker wants to roll over a rock or log in an attempt to find themselves a suitable backcountry dump spot, they can’t get incredulous about what they find. It was, after all, under a rock.

Enjoy!


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4 comments:

c2c said...

Sound advice, however not well rounded in all aspects of the nauture crap.Your fundamentals are there but there are a few variables here I feel need to be adressed.

Reader beware, i am a western male living in Asia, where shitting, and the discussion of your shitting habits are second in importance only to maybe the consistency of your shit.But we'll adress this later....

1) Beware the shrubbage/foilage around you. Those concentrated mainly in their own back yards ie: their native countries/states where the foliage is rather recognizable to the casual eye need not concern too much of this. If you poop in poison ivy it's your own damn fault. But...if you do get out and are in personally unchartered territories BE DAMN CAREFUL WHAT YOU TOUCH! ESPECIALLY WHAT YOU ARE EXPOSING YOUR "BUSINESS" TO.A mild ithiching/ irriration to your forearm is one thing but an accute reaction to foreign toxins your immune is unaccustomed to, in your croth, is not only uncomfortable but poses serious issues that can and will be anything from urinary tract infections to permanent disability of major intestinal organs.LESSON: Know your surroundings, don't use foreign shrubbage to wipe, don't let out a piss while crossing a stream because it's convenient. Don't touch foreign shrubage then fondle your little hiking buddy......

2) Your little hiking buddy....ok, you've been on the trail three days and the wife stayed home this trip. You're alone.....and you have an um...err...um..an itch.You figure why not kill two birds with one stone? Taking a nature dump is a good time in and of itself.The way it should be.Right? Well...why not spice up the moment?(Ok, sorry for the obtusiveness, for all the peavish out there we're talking masturbation).If you've gotten over your prudish streak and are ready to start skinnin' the rabbit(presumably you have finished the first order of business)then take caution..... "If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound?"
HELL YES IT DOES!! AND SO DO YOU JOHN HOLMES!! But digress... Fundamentals. Please reference original blog for suggeted positioning.Now you have your little hiking buddy out you're having a serene moment of bliss with your lover Mother nature.(The following is based on an aricle I read in an AMA Jounal at a University Hospital where I teach). You have finished off the job and are looking forward to the beans and weenies that have been slowly wraming for the past tenty...er...five minutes.
What you have failed to realize is this, the pheremones and endydrophomes(yes this is a word, look it up) you have just christened mother nature with are about 100 times stronger than the pungent odor of your crap you just deposited in your well appointed hole. YES EVEN IF IT IS BURIED! You have just attracted the likes of some major high country wild animals. Be it the all mighty bear or the scroungiest racoon. The hormones you just let fly are like a silent whistle only a dog can hear. All god's creation (minus birds i think) are now looking for you pointed right to ya. Human pheremones are like crack to animals. They smell it, sense it and do what their brain sensors tell them to do: BECOME VERY AGRESSIVE AND ATTACK.
LESSON: CONSULT THE BUDDHA WITHIN AND CONQUER YOUR LUST.

3)Just a quick pointer on your original squatt positioning. I have had great success with giving a good and sturdy ass shake after original unloading, pre-wiping. This doing away with any hangers-on. Grab a cheek with each hand, get a good grip on yourself spread like your cracking an egg, exposing your glory whole to a rare glipmse of sunlight, and a refreshing blow of breeze not normally to be had in an inside john. Give that ass a good wiggle, like you did in fourth grade doing the hokey pokey at a birthday party. You may feel silly, but hey it's only you and you are sure to laugh at yourself in the process.

4) I live in Asia. Where taking a shit is not only a daily (hopefully) function but something to be talked about at the dinner table. Something to reminisce about with coworkers on a smoke break, but a central theme and topic on nightly prime time TV shows.A true friend will have absolutely no problem helping you clean your bung hole. Every other commercial is about how to improve your bowels, techniques to use, positions to employ if having difficulties with a certain technique. Shitting and the after products ARE major animation characters gracing lunch boxes, t-shirts, action figures, etc...
The squat is a natural position for Asian people. They squat everywhere to do everything on the floor. Their physiology is not like western bodies. They can squat on their haunches for hours, where for me my limbs usually go numb after about five minutes. None the less...the commodes here a much like a shitting over a whole in the ground. Not like sitting in a chair (ala...western stylr commode). I have come to notice that this a totally better position for haveing a good satisfying crap. It's like you're showing the exit door to your crap. It flows like the River Jordan. No more twenty minute grunt sessions. Also not much to clean up afterwards because all ass cheekage is clearly out of the way, allowing for a free flow andf unencumbered session. LESSON: Give yourself a month, try alternating between your trditional method and your our Asian cousins way of doing things.(Much the same as taking a dump in your whole in the woods) See how it works for you.I can almost gaurantee better perfomace in the squatt position.

GOOD LUCK!! ENJOY!

Anonymous said...

i never laughed so hard in all my life..but after reading this i let out a fart and cacked myself...lol to death..jst jkes..but it was greeat

Anonymous said...

To c2c advice #2: I can understand the reason behind the advice. But I really prefer that the men in my hiking group do just that (instead of becoming too eager in approaching the ladies!!)

Anonymous said...

I frankly must admit that I am one of those guys that does not follow c2c's advice number 2. It is just impossible. After two to three days in the wilderness my "hiking buddy" speaks so loud that it simply cannot be ignored. If I try not to listen, he plays his own life, bulging out down there or even trying to escape below the edge of the shorts. That is not funny to me and I guess a bit embarrassing for my hiking friends too. In addition I feel restless and somewhat uncomfortable in body and soul. So, yes, when I pick up the roll of toilet paper and head for the bushes in the morning, I plan to kill two birds with one stone.